last week what’s happened:

  • #2 daughter:  hair infected w/lice
  • #1 son opens bedroom window and escapes into yard
  • wife can’t control her need to control and despite admonitions from therapist and psychiatrist, drives herself into anger and exhaustion
  • i get a debilitating sinus infection
  • my paycheck is short because of problem w/fmla
  • #1 and #2 daughters go to therapist and psychiatrist

today is #1 son birthday making 8 years old – he says as we walk up to our local library park to eat our lunch ala burger king: “let’s sit down shall we?”

#2 son graduates preschool this year

i resent your resentment

my wife has a debilitating major depressive/seizure/fibromyalgia disorder.   Sometimes I’m attacked by the resentment monster, having to care for the kids, etc. since she’s become down for the count more than occasionally, having been ordered to by her doctor.

the 1st thing i remind myself to do is forgive myself, otherwise it spins into a loop of guilt and anger 

sometimes i feel like i just can’t give anymore and i resent that

the cognitive surveillance is enlightening because it makes plain to me how transitory the resentment can be and at what times during the day

i really love my wife, she’s the smartest person i know and the most caring

we seem to trade off on our debilitation, which is a plus

Humour can offer diversion, but it dilutes real anger and nothing gets confronted.

cognitive surveillance

it took me quite awhile to come to terms with practicing cognitive surveillance, also known as mood charting, for my bipolar 2ness.  originally it repelled me because of it’s simliarity to buddhist mindfulness, which i’d already had a belly full of, in my younger days.  I was given the buddhist name nagasena by a monk, related to snakeyness and a convincing spar for the king of sri lanka back in the olden days.

the other thing that annoyed me was the corny looking book i was pushed to read by my therapist and psychiatrist. 

this was a book by david d. byrnes – i’m a snob re: reading material and felt an immediate revulsion to the book’s appearance – you’ve got to be kidding me

then, as fate would have it (curious expression) i ran into the chart online via a most unexpected website – a thelemic one….

now i am engaged in using the chart which is free online and is very helpful